announcer: coming up on "marriage today with jimmy & karen"... jimmy: so i start walking across the room and i'm gonna be
affectionate, and sees me coming, so like "pervert alert." [laughter] "incoming." but--so i sat down
next to her, put my arm around her, you know, and just kind of patted her there for just a minute. and--of course she knew something--either wrestling, sex, or a combination of the two... were impending at that moment. heh. but i didn't.
and i just kind of patted her there for a minute, you know, and then i got up and walked across the room. she said, well, what did you do? i said, well, i'm being affectionate. she said, i like that. i thought, well, now i've spoiled her.
your spouse is different than you are. the 4 major needs of a man are different than the 4 major needs of a woman. now, this doesn't sound good, but it's a true statement. if you married someone normal, they're not like you. that doesn't sound good. but if you
married a normal--i thought-- i just--you know, i thought karen, she's the most attractive woman in the world, but gosh, she's so weird. you know, oh. you know, she was just so strange. and the reason she was strange is she wasn't like me, because i'm the epicenter of
normal. normal's me. anything--so she was just so different than me. and i--most people take the energy that god gave them to love each other trying to change each other. and in many marriages, it's a battle of who's--who's gonna win? is this
gonna be a woman home or a man home? is it gonna be a home where my needs prevail or your needs prevail? let me say this. in a christian marriage, it's a win-win situation. no one loses. everyone gets their needs met. but when they're--when you have a bad marriage, it means
i'm rejecting your inherent differences. well, let me say this. when you reject my needs, you reject me. when i'm telling you what my needs are and you keep rejecting that, that's rejection. it feels like rejection. it's frustrating. and so when i'm telling you what my
needs are, i just need you to believe me and i need you to accept that. here are the 4 needs of a woman and how to understand and meet her needs. and the first is security. it says, "husbands, love your wives just as christ also loved
the church and gave himself for her." the standard for women is, respect your husband the way you would jesus. the standard for men is, give your life for her. just like jesus gave his life for you, you love her more than you love yourself. you sacrifice yourself for her.
the mega-need for men is honor. the mega-need for women is security. women feel most secure in an environment where there is a sacrificial, sensitive man that they're married to. women feel most insecure when they're married to a selfish, detached man.
security to a woman just simply means, to my hurt i will meet your needs. i come second. i'm not the head of this home so i can get it my way and i get the big chair and the clicker in the living room. i'm the head of this home so that i can serve you and make sure whatever you
need, you get it first before i get it. you come before me. and you'll never have to nag. you'll never have to beg. tell me once. i'm studying you. you're on my heart. tell me once and you'll get it. and if i don't agree, i'll tell you right up front. but if i tell you no,
it's only because it's not a good thing for you. but i will sacrifice to meet your needs. women are in heaven. women are in heaven. they need security. here's how to meet your wife's need for security. communicate your commitment to sacrifice for her. husbands,
love your wives as christ loved the church. he gave himself for her. i will have to sacrifice something. i'll have to sacrifice an interest, a hobby, a friend, an event, an opportunity, a promotion. i don't know what i'm gonna have to sacrifice. but here's the
issue. nothing is as important to me as you are, and i will sacrifice to make sure that your needs are met. just the way jesus sacrificed for me, i'm going to sacrifice for you. the second is be sensitive to your wife's needs and don't make her nag or beg. never, ever
should your wife have to nag or or beg. romance, uh--when you send your wife flowers or cards or you're romantic to your wife, what you're saying to your wife is, you're on my heart. the lack of romance simply means, i don't think about you. you're not on my heart. my uncle, now--i did
my uncle's funeral. this is years ago. and my uncle and my aunt were married for 40 years, had a wonderful marriage. i did my uncle's funeral, and when i was doing his eulogy, my aunt told me that for 40 years of marriage, he wrote her a new poem every day.
let me say something. there's only so many ways you can work around "roses are red, violet--" you know. think about that for just a minute. every day for 40 years. and they had a--i never even thought about it. they had a wonderful marriage. she was the
happiest woman on earth. i said, are you kidding me? she said, on our dining room table every morning there was a new poem that he wrote me. you know what that means? when he was alone every morning, he was thinking about her. as opposed to a man who's never
romantic. it just means my mind is somewhere else. and so i'm sensitive to you. be a faithful provider and a faithful money manager, because that's another part of her security, is knowing that she's going to be provided for. it--and let me say this. whatever job you have--some of
the most important people in society are not well paid. teachers, policemen deserve a lot more money than they get. and the issue--give them a hand. [applause] and the issue isn't the size of the paycheck. the issue is the size of the commitment,
which simply means, i'm gonna provide for this home and i'm gonna make sure that i lead in the financial management of the home. and i'll talk about that more in just a minute. number two need for a woman is soft, non-sexual affection. is, again, women need this. and
the more non-sexual, soft affection they get, the more sexual they become, which is an amazing thing. and so you need to be physically affectionate with your wife. you need to listen to her when she's telling you she wants to be held, and be patient and
gentle. and what it communicates to her is she's more to you than just a sex object. that, again, you're connected on a higher level than just sex. and to her, that's connection, when you're holding her, holding her hand, your arm is around her. i had
one couple that he only touched her sexually. and she said outside the bedroom, he's never touched me. you know, never held my hand, never put his arm around me. and there was a tremendous amount of anger and frustration there. i grew up with two--i have two older
brothers, damien and lucifer. and, uh... we fought every day. my parents were not affectionate people. i had wonderful parents. they were not affectionate people. my brothers and i--and i was the youngest of 3 boys. we fought every day. i mean, i just
lived in a war zone. and i didn't know how to be affectionate. karen and i started dating, and i knew how to be rough or sexual. i didn't know how to be affectionate. we started dating, and i just affectionate. and karen wanted me to be affectionate. when i
held her hand, i pinched around on it. and i like that. it feels good. i like that thing. she didn't like that at all. she's like, that hurts. i'd say, "you'll toughen up." you know. come let my brothers beat you up two or 3 times, you'll get used to it. but--and then i get
nervous. you know, i just didn't know how to be affectionate. and so i put my arm around her and i put her in a headlock. and she'd say, "i don't like that. i don't like that. don't do that." and again, i'd think, you'll get used to it. really. she never got used to it. so we were
married and she was sitting across the room one day folding clothes and the lord just impressed on me, walk over, put your arm around her, and just nothing beyond that. just put your arm around her. well, i'd never done that before. i mean, boy, i was so nervous. you
know...so she's over there folding clothes, we're sitting in the room. so i walk--start walking across the room, and i'm gonna be affectionate. and she sees me coming. you know, it's like pervert alert. incoming. but--so i sit down patted her there for just
a minute. and of course, she knew something, either wrestling, sex, or a combination of the two were impending at that moment. but i didn't. and i just kind of patted her there for a minute, you know, then i got up and walked across the room. she said, "well, what
did you do?" i said, "well, i'm being affectionate." she said, "i like that." i thought, well, now i've spoiled her. and... so, we got--we got in the car one day and i said, "let me hold your hand." i was getting better at being affectionate. i said, "let me hold your hand." she
said no, because she didn't trust me, 'cause i pinched her around. i said, "let me hold your hand." and she said no. and i said, "let me hold your hand." she said, "it just healed up." but i remember, i held her hand and i didn't pinch it. and i just thought, that's, you know,
phenomenal. so i learned to be affectionate with karen, and it changed everything. i mean, when--and that's normal for me. i mean, i love it. but your wife needs non-sexual touching and affection. and some men would say, well, that's just--that's just not the way that i am.
doesn't matter. you need to change. you need to meet her needs. it wasn't natural for me. i wasn't raised in that kind of a family. and it wasn't--it's not a need that i have. it's not a need that i have. but it's a need that she had. and so when i changed, it changed our
marriage. it was tremendously important to her. girl: life is a journey once full of hope, to make this world a better place, to leave a legacy to the ones we love. but somewhere along that journey, we've lost our way, forgotten what's important.
jimmy evans: when marriage is no longer respected, couples begin to separate, and their children begin to suffer. marriage is the future. we must build marriage. and what we love to do here at "marriagetoday" is give people hope. because marriage works. marriage works wonderfully.
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giving your most generous gift to help us here at "marriagetoday" lift the standard around the world for marriage and family. that women have is open and honest communication. is women don't want headlines. they don't want grunts and groans. they
don't want to hear nothing. "who did you see today?" "noth--no one." "what did you do?" "nothing." i drove to work, stood in front of a blank wall, and told everybody to be quiet. and i drove directly home. i have spoken to no one today. when your wife--she wants--she
wants--again, this is how she connects to your world is through communication. and so-- and to your heart. and so when your wife says to you, "what did you do today?" here's the answer she wants. you want to say, "i didn't do much. i didn't do-- no. i just--i saw bob.
and bob is the same as bob's always been." she says, "how was your day?" here's what she wants to hear. "at 6:32 a.m. i came into consciousness." "i still had my eyes closed, but i was feeling a little emotional about my meeting with bob.
and..." that's--she wants the whole day. and she doesn't just want the events, she wants the feelings, the feelings associated--see, i would talk to karen for years and she would-- i would tell her something, she'd say, "well, how'd you feel about that?" and i'd say...
"feel?" "how'd you feel?" "i don't feel anything," you know. well, men come emotionally unassembled and women wire them up, you know. and that's how they do it. they get you talking, then they start saying, "this is a feeling. zzz. see right there, that's a feeling.
and you're gonna have more of those as more conversations take place." and...so again, i told karen--karen wanted me to talk. you know, i felt like she was nosy anyway. and i thought, i'm not feeding the monster. information is the worst thing for her. you got
to starve that thing out of her, 'cause she's nosy. she's nosy. she wants to know about everything. so that's honestly the way i felt about it. and i'd come in the door and she'd start asking questions. just like, uhh! so i told karen, when i changed,
i said, ok, i'll talk. so i told her one night, i said, "we'll sit down and we'll talk for as long as you want to talk about anything you want to talk about." and i thought, "a," i'm the greatest man ever lived. and "b," they'll find me dead tomorrow with my brain sucked
out. 'cause this sister will suck my brain right out my ear. i don't stand a chance. so we got together that night and we sat face to face, turned off the tv, we sat face to face and we talked. and karen, well, she'd never done this
before. i'd never--i had never patiently talked to my wife ever in our marriage and given her the response that she was looking for. so we started talking. and karen, you know, this and this and this and this and this. and she asked me, what about this, what about this,
what about this? and she would say, well, how'd you feel about that? well, there's a couple of things in my childhood she knew about and she always wanted to know--'cause she knew i was messed up. and she was just trying to locate the exact time and place. but she pretty much
knew that... so she asked, "well, how'd you feel about that?" i didn't know. honestly. when i was growing up, i just shut off emotions because i couldn't handle some of the things that happened, just like all of us. i just didn't know, so i just shut them off.
well, karen knew that those things were still in there because women are amazing in this regard. they really are. and karen would say, "well, how did you feel about that?" and i said, "karen, honestly, i didn't feel anything about that." and she said, "yes, you did."
"you don't know what i feel." and so it was amazing because about a week or two later, i was praying and the lord brought it all back to me and began healing my life in that area. and karen has been amazing with me, because i love to talk now. i love--talking to karen's one of
my favorite things i love to do. your wife needs for you to talk. and you say, well, i'm just not as verbal as she is. yeah, you are. it's just an attitude. you can talk as much as you want to talk. if you're with your friends at a basketball game,
you talk their ear off. you talk her ear off. you tell her what she wants to know with a good attitude and you open your heart up to her. she deserves that. it's the way she connects to your world. we don't meet each other's needs based on our needs or our desires. we meet each
other's needs based on their needs and a commitment that we're gonna do that for the rest of our lives. you meet each other's needs. women, be more sexual than you feel, men, be more conversational than you feel, and you'll have a happy marriage. i'm almost done.
last need of a woman is leadership. women don't want to be dominated, they want to be treated as equals. but they want their husband to be the loving initiator of the home in 4 important areas--the children, romance, finances, and spiritual matters. they want you to be
the loving initiator of the home. now, you say, i have more of a passive personality. especially you need to stand up and just be the initiator. it means you begin the conversations about your children. you begin the conversations about
discipline. you begin budgeting. you begin the conversations about church and spirituality and prayer and things like that. again, she wants to be an equal partner. she doesn't want to be dominated. and if you have a naturally strong, kind of a
dominant personality, you got to ratchet that down. you got to slow down. you have to make a decision that you're not going to make decisions without her and you're not going to drag her or push her in the process, that you're gonna treat her as an equal partner in everything that
goes on, but you are going to be the initiator. women love to be in a relationship with a man who is the loving initiator. i hope you enjoyed that message. that comes out of the fullest seminar that i do called "marriage on the rock." it's the first i ever did. we
continue to update it. but this is our most popular series. and we talk about the most important issue in marriage and the roles in marriage and how to understand and meet your spouse's needs and money and sex and in-laws and children, and all of those kinds of things are
in the "marriage on the rock" series. and so we want to put this into your hands as you support us here at "marriage today." we go all over the world helping people to succeed in marriage and family relationships, and we need your financial help. and as you give
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your hands. and here's how you can get them. announcer: "marriage on the rock," the best-selling book and series, is the essential resource to having the marriage of your dreams. through this power-packed series, marriage expert jimmy evans will show you
how to deal with real-life challenges and offer easy to understand solutions that will transform your relationship. jimmy will address all the major issues a couple will encounter, like communication, finances, sex, kids, his and her needs,
blended families, and much more. for your gift of any amount, you'll receive the cd single "the most important issue in marriage." for your gift of $50 or more, we'll send you the "marriage on the rock" book and cd series. for your gift of $110 or more, you'll receive
the book and dvd series, plus the passion reigniting "happy, happy love" book. discover god's design for your dream marriage. whether you've been married for years or just preparing for the journey, experience "marriage on the rock" today. jimmy: you know, this program
today is on women's needs in marriage. and we do programs on men's needs also. but, karen, in this program, you know, we're talking about the needs of a woman. when we got married, i had absolutely no idea that you had unique needs that were different than mine, but you do.
your major needs are all different than my major needs. karen: i don't think i knew i had those needs. i just--i mean, 'cause, you know, one of my needs is security. and i was pretty independent when we got married. i mean, i could have supported myself and, you know,
but you're right. i mean, we do have those needs. and, you know, it's so awesome the way the lord blessed you with the teaching of those needs because i didn't even know. jimmy: yeah, i think most--we tell each other a lot of times what our needs are through
frustration. but women's needs are security is number one. when men are sensitive and sacrificial, it meets that need. open and honest communication, being willing to talk patiently about everything and not being frustrated in talking about feelings, too, which is hard
when it comes to men. soft, non-sexual affection and leadership. and those are--to have a good marriage, you have to meet needs that you don't have. because those aren't my needs. so i've got my own unique set of needs, but when we got married, i just thought you were
weird. i thought you were demanding. uh, but you were a normal woman. and you were just wanting me to come out of my world into your world and meet your needs. and of course, we've done that for many years and it's wonderful. but it only works--and i'm talking to men
now because a woman can't meet her own needs. if we could meet our own needs, we wouldn't get married. but we get married because we're hoping our spouse will meet our needs. so we've got some questions here, karen, from some of our viewers. let me read the first
one to you. karen: oh, i can remember, heh, you were never this way. but i do remember one time when i asked you take the trash out. jimmy: i don't remember. karen: and you were--like, we were first married. and i can remember i was really stressed
because the kids and everything. and i said, you know, "honey, can you please take the trash out?" "i'll get to it when i want." and i'm thinking, ahh! and so, i think it's just a common thing, in other words. i think that a lot of couples go through this where the man just
resents--you know, he works all day, he comes home, you know, the kids are, you know, screaming and crying, the house is a mess, you know, and then the wife is asking him to do something. and so, in his mind, he's probably thinking, what have you done all day? and i'm
just like, uh, you might want to walk back out the door and not say that again. because as a woman, we do. we have so much, you know, going on in our day, more than what most men understand. and, you know, just it goes back again to the respect of each other's--
what each other's worlds look like. you know, you know, the husband needs to come in and check out from the business world and remember when he's driving in that driveway, i'm coming into the world that i want to live in. that this is why i live my life. and that,
you know, what goes on-- jimmy: and that's the priority. karen: yes. and what goes on in this home is the most important thing. and he may take--need to take a few minutes, you know, breathe it out, whatever, pray, and then come into the home and be sensitive to what's going on
in the home when he comes in. and, you know, and not resent the fact that his wife might need him, you know. jimmy: well, i was a chauvinist. and i felt like that was your job. the home was your job. and i helped around the house. karen: and i love it as my job.
that's the thing, i do love it. jimmy: but some men think if she asks me to empty the trash, she needs to empty the trash. that's not--that's her job. so that's wrong. and number two, what she's describing strikes at the heart of her need for security, because number one, he
won't help her. number two, he's accusing her. and so she said he points out my shortcomings. when i ask for help, he starts talking about my shortcomings. well, that's a double-edged sword. and so i would say, you know, how do you live with someone like that? you pray.
ok. you tell him the truth. don't go away. honey, i need you to do this. and the other thing i say is don't be defensive about your own faults. if he's saying something to you that's true, say, ok, i'll tell you what, you start taking out the trash and i'll stop, you
know, whatever. but don't be defensive. when he's talking to you, say, honey, if i've done something wrong, i want to change. but i want you to be more involved with the home, with homing. i would say to all the men out there, a lot of men want a response, but they don't
want to earn it. in other words, they want their wife to give them a certain response in bed or out of bed or just honor or whatever. and to say, you know, first corinthians 11 says women are the glory of men. and that means that women reflect their husbands' behavior. and you did,
karen. and when i was a jerk, you know, you treated me better than i deserved, but i didn't get that same response i was looking for. but when i began to serve her, when i began to meet her needs sacrificially, our marriage changed dramatically. so women's needs are different
than men's needs. and a wise husband listens. he's sensitive to create an atmosphere of security for his wife. and emptying the trash and helping around the house and helping with the kids and talking to her and all of those things is so incredibly important if you're
gonna have the marriage that you want to have. we hope that this program today is helpful to you. the information is there on your screen. thanks to all of you who help us financially. we can only do what we do because of the financial support of our wonderful partners.
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all that you do for us. thanks for joining us today. we'll see you next time right here on "marriage today." god bless you. good-bye. thank you for watching marriagetoday.
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